Would you like more kids?

When are you going to have another?

Surely you want a big family.

She would make a great big sister.

Questions that seems so innocent, part of everyday conversation. Asked by friends, family, strangers. One of many in the line of questions when you meet any mother.

But for so many, they open up so many wounds.

Yes, I would love more kids. In a perfect world I would have 2.0 kids and a dog. A girl and a boy. Thanks for asking.

Unfortunately, no perfect world exists. What is perfect, anyway?

No, I am not going to have another baby. That decision has been made. It is not happening. I appreciate your thoughts. But please stop asking.

I had to make the decision between having another child and risking serious health issues or even putting my life at risk or being around for my little family. Sure, my doctor gave his advice – not so subtle advice at that. But in the end it had to be my decision. The hardest decision of my life.

My dreams and desires shattered into pieces. The world that I had planned for and wanted so much that I could almost have believed I could wish it into existence.

Yes, we have got second opinions. Yes, we have thought this through. Yes, we have considered all options. This is the decision we have made. There is no way in the world it was made lightly.

So genuinely happy but such sorrow when others fall pregnant. Pregnant ladies at swimming, at childcare, at the chemist. I swear the whole world seems to be pregnant. Showing me what I cannot be. What I cannot have.

Newborn babies bring tears to my eyes. Their cries make my nipples prickle, my tummy ache.

The hardest part…seeing photos of the love between kids and their young siblings. The incredible bond.

I hate the idea of an only child. I am so desperately sad at the thought that she won’t grow up with siblings. She will not be an aunty of her own blood. That brings me to tears at the slightest thought.

She is going to miss out on so much. Love. Fights. Sharing. Playing. Buying alcohol for her younger brother. Having someone she can confide in who won’t spill the beans. But what she will not miss out on is having a mum. When the decision is between my daughter having a brother or sister and my daughter having a mum, I know what she would prefer. I know what she needs most.

She is my focus. She is the reason I am here. She is my life…and I am going to do everything I can to be that to her.