Shame. Shame. Shame.

Whether you are old enough to recall Derryn Hinch speaking his mind or awesome enough to picture Cersei Lannister covered in unspeakable mess, shame is something we all know.

Got that, we ALL know.

Shame is that voice inside that tells us we’re not good enough. That we don’t deserve _______. That it is not fair. That others have it better. The guilt that sits in the pit of our stomach.

And boy does the not good enough story come out when you become a parent.

You got take away instead of cooking a healthy meal (not good enough). You never get take away for the family (not good enough)
You used the iPad as a babysitter so you could finally have a HOT cup of tea in peace (not good enough).
You won’t let your child have an iPad and everyone else has one (not good enough).

It is that voice that compares you with others.

Recently a friend posted on social media her desire to have the creative flair that she saw in a video of others. She believed it would inspire her daughter to be imaginative and build the passion to do whatever she wanted in life. She believed her daughter was missing out because she did not have this particular talent. Rather than look at her own strengths, she was comparing herself to others. Shame made her feel less of a parent.

My response to her:

Learn from others. Be inspired by others. But never compare yourself to others. There will always be someone better than us. Someone who appears to have the perfect life. It is not a race. It is not about perfection. Put your energy into being the best that YOU can be and living by your values. Doing what is right for you right now.

‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brene Brown currently sits on my bedside table. One of the many bookmarked pages talks about the way shame gets in the way:

– the less we talk about shame, the more we feel it
– shame loves secrecy, silence and judgement
– you can’t hide from shame; when we keep it locked inside, it grows and takes over
– shame stops you from doing what you really want; it stops you from living your life

“This is why shame loves perfectionists – it’s so easy to keep us quiet” 
pg 39, ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’.

The good news is, shame loses its power when it is spoken, when it is shared.

How many times have you been holding onto pain or stress, finally to share it with a friend and realise it no longer has the intensity of before?

So why are we all afraid of it?

Sharing my birth experience both in person and in writing allowed me to process what happened. The guilt, the fear, the confusion, the shame. I can’t change what happened but I can change how I let it impact my life. The more I shared, the less intense those feelings became. The more I shared, the more strength I felt. The more I shared, the more I found others who had similar experiences. The life changing moment for me was realising that I was not alone; that this had happened to other people too. That is was not something I needed to hold onto to punish myself for.

This continued as my daughter grew. I heard my friends sharing their challenges with their babies, toddlers and then children. Their fear, their crazy days, their pain, their tears.

Get out there and share your funny stories of the kids throwing tantrums, drawing all over the walls, not sleeping, picking their noses in public. Share it. Normalise it. We are all going through it, some just choose to pretend. It is hidden behind a perfectly made up face and kids with tidy hair.  But the shame is there.

Time to be free of shame. Life is unpredictable. Kids even more so. Kids are messy. Kids are a challenge. Some days you are tempted to auction them on eBay. Some days all you can manage is vegemite on toast for dinner.

It doesn’t mean you are a bad parent. Or a bad person. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.

You are good enough. Right now. In this moment. Being good enough is all they need. Being good enough is perfect.