My tablet tells me the time is 12:27am. I can hear my husband fast asleep next to me, the dog snoring away in his bed. Sleep is beckoning me. Yet still I lay here wide awake.

Why?

I’m trying to listen for noises that my toddler is still breathing. Still sleeping away in her cot. Still alive.

(Of course she is…)

The fact that I’m feeling too warm snuggled under the winter quilt reminds me that I put an extra blanket on her. I pull one leg out from my quilt and feel the chill of the night air. Am I just overheating because I’m worried? Am I just too warm because I’m just overweight? Fat brings a nice layer of warmth, right?! So perhaps she is fine?

(But can I be sure…?)

I’m weighing up letting her sleep away, leaving me to worry, versus sneaking in there, ninja style, to carefully pull the blanket away. Quiet as a mouse. So she’s not overheated. So she can sleep. So I sleep.

(But what if she then gets cold…?)

Reading this back, I feel like a nutter. Surely if she’s too hot she’ll just throw off the blanket. She covers more distance than a marathon runner as she wriggles around in her cot. The blanket will just fall off.

So why am I stressing?

Mummy brain, I call it. The brain that never switches off. Is constantly thinking. Constantly on the look out for any risks.

I am sure there are millions of men all around the world who have this same form of worry. Daddy brain I guess. But I still haven’t worked out how men’s brains work. All I can tell you is that my husband is fast asleep…

(Anyway…)

I may feel like I’ve lost my marbles, but I can guarantee you there is another mother out there stressing about the same thing. A dad out there who is worried he swaddled his baby too tightly, but is too scared to risk waking bub to check. A mum who is listening for the sound of her toddler breathing, wondering if it was too soon to have them sleep with a pillow.

This is one reason why parenting is so exhausting. It isn’t just you to think about anymore. There is another being, pulling on the heart strings. 24/7. Combining this heightened sense of protection with the endless information and warnings about SIDS and sleep and new research about safety. The stream is almost endless.

Overheating was always the thing that stuck with me. Always my biggest fear.

To me, the best way to normalise fears is to talk about them. I know plenty of mums who still sneak in to their nurseries and children’s bedrooms, to be comforted by the sound of their breath. That they’re fine. I know plenty of parents who still sneak in and lay a hand on their sleeping toddler’s back, to feel the signs of life. Then sneak out, ninja style. I know there are some teens who would be horrified to know that their mums still check in on them throughout the night. I guess the worry doesn’t stop with age. It changes. But that sense of protection and care is forever there.

And on that note, I’m going to get my ninja on, have a listen at the door and tip toe my way out.

Then its my turn for a sleep!